I'm excited.
I'm bored.
I'm restless.
All this research is becoming just a bit daunting/overwhelming, but there's no help for it. I'm certainly not abandoning my mission.
I start a two week assignment tomorrow, so that should (I hope) help to get my mind on something other than what looms ahead, in addition to helping fund this shit.
I haven't had a shoot in forever and I miss it. But I've become spoiled and so won't be shooting again for quite some time.
I'm really close to giving in. This battle is so pointless and I want it to be finished. I still don't know how I feel about that. Everything is screaming at me and I don't know how to shut it up long enough to fucking think. And even if I could, I'm more than a little scared about what I'll realize. Is this Life's payback for my previous transgressions? A complete lack of faith in my own emotions? If so, I deserve it. I think. Maybe. Maybe not. But what can I expect from myself, the girl who liked the dragon better than the princess?
Someone told me I was adventurous a few weeks ago. He said that most people would never dream of doing the things that I've done in my life, of going the places I've gone, of taking the chances I've taken. It made me think. I haven't done shit. I certainly haven't done a lot of the things I want most to do. If he can see the adventure in my disjointed journey, then maybe I just expect too much, maybe I need more than I should. Or maybe he was just a frightened little man, too afraid to take a trip past the state line. Who knows? There are so few things I wish I had done differently that I'm inclined to side with myself, though I admit I'm biased.
I miss my friends. I love my friends. I need a cigarette. Later.
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